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Posts Tagged ‘life transitions’

The Quiet Work of Agency After Loss.

There are seasons when life makes the limits of our control painfully clear.

Something happens that we did not choose. A relationship changes. A person leaves. A dream ends. A future we were counting on disappears. We make a decision we regret. Someone else makes a decision that changes our life.

And eventually, beneath the grief and the questions, something quieter begins to ask for our attention:

What is mine to choose now?

I think this is where agency becomes important.

Agency Is Not Control

Agency is easy to confuse with control because our culture often tells us that we are the authors of our own lives. There is truth in that—but only up to a point.

We are not responsible for everything that happens to us.

We cannot undo a loss. We cannot change another person. We cannot rewrite a conversation that already happened. We cannot make the past become something different simply because we understand it differently now.

Agency does not ask to pretend otherwise.

It asks a smaller, more honest question; Given what has happened, what is mine to participate in now?

Sometimes Agency Is Very Small

We can choose what we carry.

We can choose what we release.

We can choose what we repair.

We can choose what we practice.

We can choose what we attempt again.

And sometimes the choice is almost invisible to everyone else.

Getting out of bed.

Making the phone call.

Telling the truth.

Setting the boundary.

Asking for help.

Taking the first step.

Small does not mean insignificant.

The Past Still Matters

Agency is not a way of avoiding grief or responsibility.

There are things we need to grieve. There are things we need to repair. There are consequences we may need to acknowledge. There are patterns we may finally need to stop repeating.

But agency asks us not to surrender the rest of our lives to what has already happened.

The past can be real without becoming the only author of the future.

What Do You Carry Forward?

Discernment is knowing the difference between what belongs in the next chapter and what does not.

Some things should be carried forward: a hard-earned wisdom, a love that remains, a value you discovered, a boundary you finally learned to honor, a part of yourself you had forgotten.

Some things need to be left behind: old stories, shame that has already taught you what it came to teach, patterns that no longer serve you, identities built around survival.

And some things need repair before they can become wisdom.

The Threshold

A threshold is the place between what was and what comes next.

You do not cross it by having every answer.

You cross it by becoming willing to participate in what comes next.

Grief asks: What have I lost?

Attempts ask: What was I learning?

Agency asks: What is mine to choose now?

And becoming asks: Who am I willing to become?

Maybe the question isn’t whether you can get back to who you were.
Maybe the question is what you will do with who you are now.

A Practice for the Threshold

Take a quiet moment and write about one season of your life that changed you.

What have I lost?

What was I attempting?

What did that experience teach me?

What is actually mine to chose now?

What will I carry forward?

What am I ready to leave behind?

What is one small action I can take?

You do not need complete control. You do not need a promise that everything will be easy.

You need a place from which you can choose.

A threshold.

And from there, perhaps the question is simple enough to carry.

What will you do with what remains?

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Learning to recognize what is yours to follow.

We live in a world that is very good at telling us what to want. There is always another opinion, another expert, another voice, another path to consider. Someone always seems to know what we should be doing next.

And sometimes, beneath all that noise, there is a quieter question waiting for us:

What do I actually know?

Not what am I being told. Not what would make everyone else comfortable. Not what looks good from the outside. What is true?

This is where discernment begins.

Discernment isn’t simply making a decision, and it isn’t quite the same thing as intuition, although intuition may be part of it. At its heart, discernment is the practice of becoming quiet enough to recognize what deserves our attention, and what doesn’t.

It asks us to slow down long enough to notice what is happening within us and around us. To distinguish between the voice of fear and the voice of wisdom, between urgency and timing, between what we want and what we are actually being asked to do.

I’ve learned that not everything that appears in front of us is ours to pursue. Some things are invitations. Others are distractions. Some become lessons we carry with us, while other things simply aren’t for us. Learning the difference takes time

It takes willingness to become quiet, but it also takes honesty. Sometimes discernment asks us to admit that the thing we wanted isn’t the thing we need. Sometimes it asks for patience. And sometimes it asks for enough courage to walk away from something that looks perfectly good because, somewhere deeper, we know it isn’t ours.

I think this is one of the reasons seasons matter so much.

There are things that belong to us in one season that may not belong to us in another. There are doors we may be ready to walk through now that we couldn’t have walked through before. And there are things that may be right for us someday without being right for us today.

Something can be right, but not right yet. Something can be good, but not good for you. Something can be yours,
but not yours to do now.

Discernment teaches us to respect timing.

It teaches us that saying no can be just as important as saying yes. It reminds us that we don’t have to respond to every voice simply because it is loud, persistent, or certain of itself.

There is wisdom in becoming still enough to hear the quieter one.

The knowing within.

The voice beneath the noise.

The sense that sometimes arrives without a great deal of explanation and simply says:

This.
Not that.
Now.
Not yet.
Keep going.
Let it go.

I don’t believe discernment means that we will always know exactly what to do. Sometimes it gives us something much more modest, and perhaps much more useful: enough clarity to take the next right step.

We don’t have to see the entire path. We just have to learn to recognize what is ours to follow.

And perhaps that is part of becoming, not only learning how to listen, but learning how to distinguish what we hear.

A question to carry with you:

What is yours to follow, and what are you being invited to let go?

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There are losses we know how to name.

Someone dies. There is a funeral. People bring food. They call. They say, “I’m so sorry.”

But what happens when the person you love is still alive—but far away, unreachable, estranged, changed, or simply no longer part of your life?

What happens when what you lost wasn’t a person at all?

A marriage you thought would be different. A childhood you didn’t get to have. A dream you quietly stopped pursuing. A home. A friendship. A family as it once was. A version of yourself. A future you had already imagined.

There are so many ways to lose something. And there are so many losses we learn to live around without ever really grieving.

We keep functioning. We go to work. We make dinner. We raise our children. We answer the phone. We keep going.

And sometimes we become very god at carrying on.

But carrying on isn’t necessarily the same thing as processing what happened.

Sometimes I wonder if grief doesn’t disappear simply because we become accustomed to its weight.

Maybe we just become stronger carrying it.

I’ve been thinking about what it means to approach grief rather than outrun it. Not to romanticize suffering. Not to turn every loss into a lesson. Not to rush toward gratitude. And not to tell ourselves that everything happens for a reason.

Just to tell the truth:

This mattered.
This hurt.
I loved this.
I miss this.
Something changed.
And I am still here.

Grief can be experienced through the body—a tight chest, a clenched jaw, heaviness, tears that won’t come, tears that come unexpectedly, or the exhaustion of holding something together. We don’t have to claim that grief is literally stored in a particular body part to acknowledge that loss can be deeply embodied.

Perhaps approaching grief begins with a simple question:

What have I lost?

And then a harder one:

What have I never allowed myself to mourn?

Maybe allowing grief doesn’t mean giving ourselves permission to stay forever in sorrow. Maybe it means giving sorrow somewhere to exist—a place where it doesn’t have to perform, become wisdom immediately, or make us stronger.

This may be one of the thresholds of a life well lived: not becoming untouched by loss, but becoming willing to meet it.

To name it. To grieve it. To make room for it.

And eventually, when we are ready, to ask:

“What remains?”

Not the silver lining. Not the lesson. Simply—what remains?

What love remains? What wisdom remains? What part of me remains? What can I carry forward?

Because we don’t always have to move on from what we loved.

Sometimes we learn to move forward with it.

Here are a few reflection questions approaching grief:

What have I lost?

What loss have I minimized because I told myself it wasn’t “bad enough” to grieve?

Is there someone who is still alive, but no longer accessible to me in the way I wish they were?

What version of myself am I grieving?

What have I never allowed myself to mourn?

Here are a few reflection questions allowing grief:

What happens inside me when I allow myself to remember?

What have I been trying not to feel?

What would it mean to let this grief exist without demanding that it teach me a lesson?

What remains?

What part of the love connected to this loss can I carry forward?

One gentle thing I can do after opening this grief is:

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What to do when the life you knew no longer fits, but the life you’re becoming hasn’t taken shape yet.

There is a particular kind of uncertainty that doesn’t feel like failure.

It feels more like standing at a threshold.

You know you aren’t who you used to be. But you aren’t quite sure who you’re becoming.

The things that once felt certain ma not feel certain anymore.

You may find yourself asking questions you didn’t expect to ask:

Is this really the life I want?
Who am I when I’m not trying to become what everyone else expects?
What do I actually believe?
What matters to me now?
What am I willing to leave behind?

And perhaps the most uncomfortable question: What if I don’t know yet?

We live in a culture that is remarkably uncomfortable with that answer.

We are encouraged to have a five-year plan. To know our purpose. To build the career. Choose the relationship. Buy the house. Start the business. Become the person.

And there is nothing wrong with any of those things.

But sometimes the most important work happening in our lives cannot be seen yet.

Sometimes we are becoming before we are building.

Sometimes something in us has already changed, while the outside of our life hasn’t caught up.

That space can feel disorienting.

But it isn’t necessarily a problem to solve.

It may be a space to inhabit.

There is also a wisdom that only becomes available when we stop demanding immediate answers from ourselves.

We begin to notice what keeps returning. The desire we keep dismissing. The question we can’t quite shake. The kind of person we admire. The things that leave us feeling more alive. The things that quietly drain us.

The values we say matter—and the ones our lives actually demostrates.

This is where the sacred pause becomes more than rest.

It becomes attention.

And attention changes things.

Because when we stop rushing to fill the empty space, we begin to hear what the empty space is saying.

Maybe you aren’t behind. Maybe you aren’t lost. Maybe you haven’t missed your moment.

Maybe you’re standing in the space between one version of your life and another.

And maybe the invitation isn’t to know exactly where you’re going.

Maybe the invitation is simply to become honest enough to take the next step when it appears.

You don’t have to have your whole life figured out.

You just have to become willing to listen.

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What if the space between who you were and who you’re becoming isn’t emptiness—but an invitation?

There is a strange season of life that can be difficult to explain.

You know that something has changed. The old way doesn’t fit anymore.

The beliefs you once held may feel incomplete. The goals that once energized you may no longer matter in quite the same way. Relationships, roles, routines, identities, and expectations that once seemed permanent may suddenly feel different.

And yet, you don’t know what comes next.

You’re no longer entirely who you were. But you’re not quite sure who you’re becoming.

This is the space I think of as the sacred pause.

It is the liminal space between paradigms—the threshold between an old way of understanding ourselves and an emerging way of seeing, living, and being.

And it can feel remarkably uncomfortable.

We Are Not Very Good at the Void

We live in a culture that rewards movement. Do something. Make a decision. Set a goal. Find the answer.
Move forward.

But there are seasons when moving forward isn’t immediately possible—or perhaps isn’t even the point.

Sometimes the old has to become quiet before the new can be heard. And that quiet can feel like emptiness.

So we fill it. We reach for distractions. We make decisions simply because uncertainty makes us uncomfortable. We cling to familiar identities. We rush toward the next version of ourselves before we’ve fully understood why the previous version needed to change.

But what if we didn’t? What if, instead, we allowed ourselves to pause?

Liminal Space is a Threshold

The word liminal comes from the idea of a threshold—a place of transition. You are no longer completely on one side, but you haven’t fully arrived on the other.

There is something powerful about that space.

When we are firmly inside an old paradigm, we tend to see the world through its assumptions. We know what we are supposed to want, who we are supposed to be, what success is supposed to look like, and what everyone expects of us.

But when that paradigm begins to dissolve, those assumptions become visible.

And suddenly we have an opportunity to ask: Is this actually mine?

Was this belief consciously chosen—or inherited? Does this goal still matter to me? Am I living from conviction or conditioning? What have I mistaken for truth simply because I’ve never questioned it?

That is where the sacred pause becomes meaningful.

The Void Can Be Generative

We tend to associate the void with absence: nothing is happening, nothing is certain, nothing is there.

But perhaps that’s not entirely true.

A field that has been harvested can look empty. A seed spends part of its life beneath the soil where we cannot see what is happening. There are forms of becoming that require a period of invisibility.

Perhaps our lives have seasons like this, too.

Not every season is meant for visible growth. Some seasons are for integration. Some are for grieving. Some are for releasing. Some are for questioning. Some are for becoming quiet enough to hear what we actually believe.

The absence of visible movement does not necessarily mean the absence of transformation.

The Old Paradigm Has Something to Teach Us

Leaving an old paradigm doesn’t mean rejecting everything that came before.

There may be wisdom there. There may be experiences that shaped us, traditions worth preserving, mistakes worth learning from, and values that deserve to come with us.

The question isn’t simply, What am I leaving? It is also, What am I carrying forward?

The question matters because transformation isn’t about becoming someone completely disconnected from who we were. It can be about becoming more conscious of what we choose to continue.

We inherit more than possessions. We inherit ideas, patterns, stories, ways of loving, ways of coping, and ways of relating.

Eventually, consciously or unconsciously, we pass some of those things forward.

The pause gives us an opportunity to decide what deserves to continue.

You Don’t Have to Know Yet

Perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves in a liminal season is permission not to know.

Not knowing doesn’t automatically mean you’re lost. Uncertainty doesn’t automatically mean you’ve made the wrong choice. And a pause doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve stopped growing.

Sometimes the question isn’t, What’s next?”

Maybe the better questions is, “What is becoming clear?”

What no longer feels true? What keeps returning to your awareness? What are you grieving? What are you questioning? What feels lighter when you imagine releasing it? What feels quietly alive when you imagine making room for it?

These questions may not give us immediate answers. Maybe their purpose is to help us become more conscious participants in our own becoming.

The Sacred Pause

There will be seasons when life asks us to move. And there will be seasons when life asks us to wait. The wisdom may be knowing the difference.

The sacred pause isn’t about refusing to act. It is about refusing to act simply because we’re uncomfortable with not knowing.

It is about creating enough space to distinguish urgency from intuition, fear from truth, conditioning from conviction, what is ending from what is merely changing—and what belongs to the old paradigm from what is meant to come with us into the new.

So if you’re somewhere between identities, chapters, beliefs, versions of yourself, between what was and what will be—perhaps you don’t need to rush through it.

Perhaps you can honor it. Sit with it. Listen. Let yourself grieve what needs to be grieved. Release what needs to be released. Become curious about what is emerging.

Because maybe the void isn’t empty at all.

Maybe it is making room

And maybe the sacred pause is not the absence of becoming.

Maybe it is where the becoming begins.

Questions to Sit With

  • What part of my old way of living no longer feels true?
  • What am I trying to rush because uncertainty makes me uncomfortable?
  • What am I grieving as I move into this new chapter?
  • What have I outgrown?
  • What wisdom from the past do I want to carry forward?
  • What am I ready to leave behind?
  • What is becoming clear, even if I don’t yet know what to do about it?
  • What would it look like to trust this pause rather than fear it?
  • Who might I become if I gave myself permission not to know yet?

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There are things we carry because they belong to us.

And there are things we carry simply because no one ever taught us how to put them down.

Expectations.
Old stories.
Family patterns.
Other people’s fears.

The version of ourselves we learned to become in order to be loved, accepted, safe, or needed.

Sometimes we carry grief that isn’t ours.
Sometimes we carry responsibility for other people’s happiness.
Sometimes we carry an identity we outgrew years ago because we aren’t sure who we would be without it.

And sometimes we don’t even realize we’re carrying anything at all.

We simply know we’re tired.

I have spent a lot of my life witnessing people at the edges of things.

Birth.
Death.
Grief.
Beginnings.
Endings.

The moments when life asks us to become someone new.

Those experiences have taught me something I return to again and again.

Life has a way of revealing what we are carrying.

A birth changes a family.
A death changes a family.
A child growing up changes a mother.
A marriage changes two people.
A loss changes what we believe about ourselves and the world.

And sometimes the greatest transformation isn’t becoming something new.

It’s realizing what no longer needs to come with us.

What if healing isn’t always about fixing?

What if sometimes healing is about releasing?

Releasing the belief that you have to hold everything together.
Releasing the expectation that your life should look a certain way by a certain age.
Releasing the need to make everyone understand your choices.
Releasing an old definition of success.
Releasing guilt that has outlived its purpose.
Releasing the belief that because something has always been done a certain way, it must continue to be done that way.

This doesn’t mean abandoning responsibility.

Quite the opposite.

It means becoming more conscious about what is actually ours to carry.

Because we cannot carry everything.

And we shouldn’t.

This is one of the questions I think we should ask ourselves more often:
What am I carrying—and why?

Is it mine?
Is it still mine?
Did I choose it?
Does it serve who I am becoming?
Or did I simply inherit it?

These questions don’t necessarily give us immediate answers.

But questions have a remarkable way of opening doors.

And sometimes realization is the beginning of liberation.

Perhaps becoming more intentional with our lives isn’t about adding more.

Perhaps it is also about deciding what we are willing to leave behind.

Not everything we carry needs to be carried forward.

Some things are meant to end with us.

And maybe that’s part of what legacy really is—not simply what we leave behind, but what we consciously choose not to pass on.

So, today, I’m asking myself.

What am I carrying that was never mine to carry?

And perhaps that’s a question worth asking yourself, too.

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There are questions we’re taught to ask.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Where do you want to go to college?
What kind of career do you want?
How much money do you want to make?
When are you getting married?
When are having children?
What’s next?

We become remarkably good at answering questions that help us move forward.

But there are other questions.

Quieter questions.
The ones that don’t necessarily have an obvious answer.

Am I actually happy with the life I’m living?

Do I still want the things I once thought I wanted?

What have I outgrown?

What am I doing because it matters to me—and what am I doing because I’ve always been expected to do it?

What would I choose if I wasn’t afraid of disappointing someone?

These aren’t always comfortable questions.

And perhaps that’s why we don’t ask them very often.

We can become very good at living on autopilot.

We follow the path that made sense 10 years ago.
Then five years ago.
Then last year.

And sometimes we don’t notice that we’ve changed while the path stayed the same.

The career that once fulfilled us may no longer fit.
The definition of success we inherited may no longer feel meaningful.
The relationships, routines, possessions, expectations, and identities that once felt like us may quietly become things we’re simply maintaining.

Not because something is necessarily wrong.

But because we are not the same person we were when we chose them.

And that realization can be unsettling.

It can also be liberating.

At Nurturing Spirit, I believe realization is often where meaningful change begins.

Not because every realization requires immediate action.

Sometimes the first step is simply seeing something clearly.

Naming it.

Allowing yourself to acknowledge it without judgement.

Giving yourself permission to ask:

Is this still true for me?

That question alone can open a door.

Maybe the answer is yes.

Beautiful.

Maybe the answer is no.

That can be beautiful, too.

Because knowing what no longer fits gives us the opportunity to make a different choice.

What if you gave yourself permission to question the script?

There is a tremedous freedom in realizing that a life doesn’t have to be lived according to someone else’s definitions of success.

You are allowed to reconsider.
You are allowed to change your mind.
You are allowed to want something different than you wanted before.
You are allowed to decide that “enough” looks different than you once believed.

You are allowed to build a life that reflects who you are now, not simply who you were expected to become.

And perhaps most importantly:

You don’t have to have the answers before you’re allowed to ask the questions.

So, what questions are waiting for you?
Maybe start with one.

Not the biggest question.
Not the one you think you should be asking.

Just an honest one.

What have I been accepting without really asking whether I still want it?

Sit with it.

You don’t have to solve it today.

Sometimes awareness is enough to begin.

Because a life well lived isn’t created by having all the answers.

It begins with being willing to ask better questions.

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A life well lived is not something we find. It is something we create.

We spend so much of life moving from one thing to the next — working, caring for others, making plans, solving problems, and trying to keep up. And sometimes, somewhere in the middle of all that doing, we forget to ask a simple question:

Is this the life I actually want to be living?

I don’t think living well means having everything figured out. I don’t think it means a perfect home, a perfect schedule, or a life that looks impressive from the outside.

I think it begins with paying attention.

Paying attention to what brings us alive.

Paying attention to what drains us.

Paying attention to what we have outgrown.

Paying attention to the people, places and moments that matter.

Sometimes a life well lived is found in the quietest places — a conversation around a kitchen table, a walk outside, a book that changes the way you think, a meal made with care, or a moment when you finally realize that something no longer belongs in your life.

Realization is liberation.

And perhaps living well is less about becoming someone new and more about becoming more fully who we already are.

This is what I want to explore here at Nurturing Spirit.

Not how to build a perfect life.

How to build a life that feels like your own.

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