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Posts Tagged ‘letting go’

What the turning year can teach us about living without rushing our becoming.

There is a quiet pressure in modern life to be further along. To have recovered by now, decided by now, achieved by now. Even growth can become another race: a project to manage, a timeline to meet, a version of ourselves we are always trying to catch up with.

The Cost Of Hurry
When every moment becomes a bridge to the next one, we stop inhabiting the lives we are working so hard to build. We eat while answering messages. We rest while feeling guilty. We listen with only half our attention because our minds are already arranging what comes next. Hurry can become so familiar that stillness feels like failure.

Look At The Season
October offers another way of seeing. The trees are not all changing at once. Some leaves turn bright before they fall; others linger. Seeds settle into the earth. The gardens begin to look quieter, but quiet is not the same as empty. Much of the natural world’s work is not performed for an audience.

The Great Oak
In Gerda Muller’s children’s book, The Year Around the Great Oak, the changing year invites us to look at the life surrounding a single tree. A tree is never only one image: not only its spring leaves, it summer shade, or its autumn color. Its life is a continuity of seasons, each revealing something different.

A Different Measure Of Progress
We can mistake visible movement for meaningful growth. Yet trust may grow through small, repeated acts. Grief may change shape without disappearing on command. A new direction may take time to recognize. A boundary may need to be practiced before it feels natural. There are forms of becoming that cannot be hurried without being distorted.

Peace Is Not Passivity
Living at a more peaceful pace does not mean ignoring responsibilities or waiting for life to arrange itself. It means bringing discernment to the way we meet what is ours to do. There is a difference between a necessary deadline and manufactured urgency, between devotion and the fear that we are never enough. Peace lets us act without requiring panic to power every action.

A Practice For This Week
Choose one ordinary activity and give it your full attention. Walk without filling the silence. Make tea and drink it while it is warm. Complete one task before adding another. When you notice yourself rushing, ask: Is this pace necessary, or have I learned to move this way even when I don’t need to?

What This Season Asks
You may be in a season of reaching. You may be in a season of releasing, repairing, grieving, or quietly gathering strength. The point is not to romanticize every hard season or pretend that waiting is easy. It is to stop treating your actual life as an obstacle to the life you think you should have.

Closing
The oak does not hurry autumn. It responds to the light, the soil, the wind, and the season it is in. We can learn to listen for those things in our own lives, too. What needs your attention today? What can wait? What would it mean to move steadily without abandoning yourself along the way?

You are not required to bloom all year. You are invited to live the season you are in.

Peace may not arrive as a dramatic change. It may begin as one moment in which you stop rushing past your own life.

What would change if you trusted the pace of your own becoming?

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The Quiet Work of Agency After Loss.

There are seasons when life makes the limits of our control painfully clear.

Something happens that we did not choose. A relationship changes. A person leaves. A dream ends. A future we were counting on disappears. We make a decision we regret. Someone else makes a decision that changes our life.

And eventually, beneath the grief and the questions, something quieter begins to ask for our attention:

What is mine to choose now?

I think this is where agency becomes important.

Agency Is Not Control

Agency is easy to confuse with control because our culture often tells us that we are the authors of our own lives. There is truth in that—but only up to a point.

We are not responsible for everything that happens to us.

We cannot undo a loss. We cannot change another person. We cannot rewrite a conversation that already happened. We cannot make the past become something different simply because we understand it differently now.

Agency does not ask to pretend otherwise.

It asks a smaller, more honest question; Given what has happened, what is mine to participate in now?

Sometimes Agency Is Very Small

We can choose what we carry.

We can choose what we release.

We can choose what we repair.

We can choose what we practice.

We can choose what we attempt again.

And sometimes the choice is almost invisible to everyone else.

Getting out of bed.

Making the phone call.

Telling the truth.

Setting the boundary.

Asking for help.

Taking the first step.

Small does not mean insignificant.

The Past Still Matters

Agency is not a way of avoiding grief or responsibility.

There are things we need to grieve. There are things we need to repair. There are consequences we may need to acknowledge. There are patterns we may finally need to stop repeating.

But agency asks us not to surrender the rest of our lives to what has already happened.

The past can be real without becoming the only author of the future.

What Do You Carry Forward?

Discernment is knowing the difference between what belongs in the next chapter and what does not.

Some things should be carried forward: a hard-earned wisdom, a love that remains, a value you discovered, a boundary you finally learned to honor, a part of yourself you had forgotten.

Some things need to be left behind: old stories, shame that has already taught you what it came to teach, patterns that no longer serve you, identities built around survival.

And some things need repair before they can become wisdom.

The Threshold

A threshold is the place between what was and what comes next.

You do not cross it by having every answer.

You cross it by becoming willing to participate in what comes next.

Grief asks: What have I lost?

Attempts ask: What was I learning?

Agency asks: What is mine to choose now?

And becoming asks: Who am I willing to become?

Maybe the question isn’t whether you can get back to who you were.
Maybe the question is what you will do with who you are now.

A Practice for the Threshold

Take a quiet moment and write about one season of your life that changed you.

What have I lost?

What was I attempting?

What did that experience teach me?

What is actually mine to chose now?

What will I carry forward?

What am I ready to leave behind?

What is one small action I can take?

You do not need complete control. You do not need a promise that everything will be easy.

You need a place from which you can choose.

A threshold.

And from there, perhaps the question is simple enough to carry.

What will you do with what remains?

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There are losses we know how to name.

Someone dies. There is a funeral. People bring food. They call. They say, “I’m so sorry.”

But what happens when the person you love is still alive—but far away, unreachable, estranged, changed, or simply no longer part of your life?

What happens when what you lost wasn’t a person at all?

A marriage you thought would be different. A childhood you didn’t get to have. A dream you quietly stopped pursuing. A home. A friendship. A family as it once was. A version of yourself. A future you had already imagined.

There are so many ways to lose something. And there are so many losses we learn to live around without ever really grieving.

We keep functioning. We go to work. We make dinner. We raise our children. We answer the phone. We keep going.

And sometimes we become very god at carrying on.

But carrying on isn’t necessarily the same thing as processing what happened.

Sometimes I wonder if grief doesn’t disappear simply because we become accustomed to its weight.

Maybe we just become stronger carrying it.

I’ve been thinking about what it means to approach grief rather than outrun it. Not to romanticize suffering. Not to turn every loss into a lesson. Not to rush toward gratitude. And not to tell ourselves that everything happens for a reason.

Just to tell the truth:

This mattered.
This hurt.
I loved this.
I miss this.
Something changed.
And I am still here.

Grief can be experienced through the body—a tight chest, a clenched jaw, heaviness, tears that won’t come, tears that come unexpectedly, or the exhaustion of holding something together. We don’t have to claim that grief is literally stored in a particular body part to acknowledge that loss can be deeply embodied.

Perhaps approaching grief begins with a simple question:

What have I lost?

And then a harder one:

What have I never allowed myself to mourn?

Maybe allowing grief doesn’t mean giving ourselves permission to stay forever in sorrow. Maybe it means giving sorrow somewhere to exist—a place where it doesn’t have to perform, become wisdom immediately, or make us stronger.

This may be one of the thresholds of a life well lived: not becoming untouched by loss, but becoming willing to meet it.

To name it. To grieve it. To make room for it.

And eventually, when we are ready, to ask:

“What remains?”

Not the silver lining. Not the lesson. Simply—what remains?

What love remains? What wisdom remains? What part of me remains? What can I carry forward?

Because we don’t always have to move on from what we loved.

Sometimes we learn to move forward with it.

Here are a few reflection questions approaching grief:

What have I lost?

What loss have I minimized because I told myself it wasn’t “bad enough” to grieve?

Is there someone who is still alive, but no longer accessible to me in the way I wish they were?

What version of myself am I grieving?

What have I never allowed myself to mourn?

Here are a few reflection questions allowing grief:

What happens inside me when I allow myself to remember?

What have I been trying not to feel?

What would it mean to let this grief exist without demanding that it teach me a lesson?

What remains?

What part of the love connected to this loss can I carry forward?

One gentle thing I can do after opening this grief is:

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What if the space between who you were and who you’re becoming isn’t emptiness—but an invitation?

There is a strange season of life that can be difficult to explain.

You know that something has changed. The old way doesn’t fit anymore.

The beliefs you once held may feel incomplete. The goals that once energized you may no longer matter in quite the same way. Relationships, roles, routines, identities, and expectations that once seemed permanent may suddenly feel different.

And yet, you don’t know what comes next.

You’re no longer entirely who you were. But you’re not quite sure who you’re becoming.

This is the space I think of as the sacred pause.

It is the liminal space between paradigms—the threshold between an old way of understanding ourselves and an emerging way of seeing, living, and being.

And it can feel remarkably uncomfortable.

We Are Not Very Good at the Void

We live in a culture that rewards movement. Do something. Make a decision. Set a goal. Find the answer.
Move forward.

But there are seasons when moving forward isn’t immediately possible—or perhaps isn’t even the point.

Sometimes the old has to become quiet before the new can be heard. And that quiet can feel like emptiness.

So we fill it. We reach for distractions. We make decisions simply because uncertainty makes us uncomfortable. We cling to familiar identities. We rush toward the next version of ourselves before we’ve fully understood why the previous version needed to change.

But what if we didn’t? What if, instead, we allowed ourselves to pause?

Liminal Space is a Threshold

The word liminal comes from the idea of a threshold—a place of transition. You are no longer completely on one side, but you haven’t fully arrived on the other.

There is something powerful about that space.

When we are firmly inside an old paradigm, we tend to see the world through its assumptions. We know what we are supposed to want, who we are supposed to be, what success is supposed to look like, and what everyone expects of us.

But when that paradigm begins to dissolve, those assumptions become visible.

And suddenly we have an opportunity to ask: Is this actually mine?

Was this belief consciously chosen—or inherited? Does this goal still matter to me? Am I living from conviction or conditioning? What have I mistaken for truth simply because I’ve never questioned it?

That is where the sacred pause becomes meaningful.

The Void Can Be Generative

We tend to associate the void with absence: nothing is happening, nothing is certain, nothing is there.

But perhaps that’s not entirely true.

A field that has been harvested can look empty. A seed spends part of its life beneath the soil where we cannot see what is happening. There are forms of becoming that require a period of invisibility.

Perhaps our lives have seasons like this, too.

Not every season is meant for visible growth. Some seasons are for integration. Some are for grieving. Some are for releasing. Some are for questioning. Some are for becoming quiet enough to hear what we actually believe.

The absence of visible movement does not necessarily mean the absence of transformation.

The Old Paradigm Has Something to Teach Us

Leaving an old paradigm doesn’t mean rejecting everything that came before.

There may be wisdom there. There may be experiences that shaped us, traditions worth preserving, mistakes worth learning from, and values that deserve to come with us.

The question isn’t simply, What am I leaving? It is also, What am I carrying forward?

The question matters because transformation isn’t about becoming someone completely disconnected from who we were. It can be about becoming more conscious of what we choose to continue.

We inherit more than possessions. We inherit ideas, patterns, stories, ways of loving, ways of coping, and ways of relating.

Eventually, consciously or unconsciously, we pass some of those things forward.

The pause gives us an opportunity to decide what deserves to continue.

You Don’t Have to Know Yet

Perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves in a liminal season is permission not to know.

Not knowing doesn’t automatically mean you’re lost. Uncertainty doesn’t automatically mean you’ve made the wrong choice. And a pause doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve stopped growing.

Sometimes the question isn’t, What’s next?”

Maybe the better questions is, “What is becoming clear?”

What no longer feels true? What keeps returning to your awareness? What are you grieving? What are you questioning? What feels lighter when you imagine releasing it? What feels quietly alive when you imagine making room for it?

These questions may not give us immediate answers. Maybe their purpose is to help us become more conscious participants in our own becoming.

The Sacred Pause

There will be seasons when life asks us to move. And there will be seasons when life asks us to wait. The wisdom may be knowing the difference.

The sacred pause isn’t about refusing to act. It is about refusing to act simply because we’re uncomfortable with not knowing.

It is about creating enough space to distinguish urgency from intuition, fear from truth, conditioning from conviction, what is ending from what is merely changing—and what belongs to the old paradigm from what is meant to come with us into the new.

So if you’re somewhere between identities, chapters, beliefs, versions of yourself, between what was and what will be—perhaps you don’t need to rush through it.

Perhaps you can honor it. Sit with it. Listen. Let yourself grieve what needs to be grieved. Release what needs to be released. Become curious about what is emerging.

Because maybe the void isn’t empty at all.

Maybe it is making room

And maybe the sacred pause is not the absence of becoming.

Maybe it is where the becoming begins.

Questions to Sit With

  • What part of my old way of living no longer feels true?
  • What am I trying to rush because uncertainty makes me uncomfortable?
  • What am I grieving as I move into this new chapter?
  • What have I outgrown?
  • What wisdom from the past do I want to carry forward?
  • What am I ready to leave behind?
  • What is becoming clear, even if I don’t yet know what to do about it?
  • What would it look like to trust this pause rather than fear it?
  • Who might I become if I gave myself permission not to know yet?

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There are things we carry because they belong to us.

And there are things we carry simply because no one ever taught us how to put them down.

Expectations.
Old stories.
Family patterns.
Other people’s fears.

The version of ourselves we learned to become in order to be loved, accepted, safe, or needed.

Sometimes we carry grief that isn’t ours.
Sometimes we carry responsibility for other people’s happiness.
Sometimes we carry an identity we outgrew years ago because we aren’t sure who we would be without it.

And sometimes we don’t even realize we’re carrying anything at all.

We simply know we’re tired.

I have spent a lot of my life witnessing people at the edges of things.

Birth.
Death.
Grief.
Beginnings.
Endings.

The moments when life asks us to become someone new.

Those experiences have taught me something I return to again and again.

Life has a way of revealing what we are carrying.

A birth changes a family.
A death changes a family.
A child growing up changes a mother.
A marriage changes two people.
A loss changes what we believe about ourselves and the world.

And sometimes the greatest transformation isn’t becoming something new.

It’s realizing what no longer needs to come with us.

What if healing isn’t always about fixing?

What if sometimes healing is about releasing?

Releasing the belief that you have to hold everything together.
Releasing the expectation that your life should look a certain way by a certain age.
Releasing the need to make everyone understand your choices.
Releasing an old definition of success.
Releasing guilt that has outlived its purpose.
Releasing the belief that because something has always been done a certain way, it must continue to be done that way.

This doesn’t mean abandoning responsibility.

Quite the opposite.

It means becoming more conscious about what is actually ours to carry.

Because we cannot carry everything.

And we shouldn’t.

This is one of the questions I think we should ask ourselves more often:
What am I carrying—and why?

Is it mine?
Is it still mine?
Did I choose it?
Does it serve who I am becoming?
Or did I simply inherit it?

These questions don’t necessarily give us immediate answers.

But questions have a remarkable way of opening doors.

And sometimes realization is the beginning of liberation.

Perhaps becoming more intentional with our lives isn’t about adding more.

Perhaps it is also about deciding what we are willing to leave behind.

Not everything we carry needs to be carried forward.

Some things are meant to end with us.

And maybe that’s part of what legacy really is—not simply what we leave behind, but what we consciously choose not to pass on.

So, today, I’m asking myself.

What am I carrying that was never mine to carry?

And perhaps that’s a question worth asking yourself, too.

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