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Posts Tagged ‘love’

Time passes as it does and the Wolfpack has come to develop a new rhythm together.  Little Bear has added a joy to our lives that we never knew existed.  My big boys, Eagle Boy and Little Fox are so smitten with him.  They take him in under their growing wings and tails and nurture him, hug and love him.  They feed him, play with him, and carry him.  Our hearts are wide open to him.

It makes me think of the Amish saying that to love is to know suffering, but it’s worth it.  Someone I knew closely for a little while dropped their physical robe this week.  My higher self understands that death is normal and natural and that we are eternal.  My lower self is quite selfish and sad that we have to let those people go.  So, I sit in the middle with both feelings.  It has been a while since I have had to let someone close to me go.  I think of the ones around me that I have great attachments to, like my family.  Also, I am reminded of my own mortality and aging.  I don’t mind aging.  There is so much to learn.  But one day my parents will pass.  My grandparents already have lifted the veil themselves and are free in the spirit world.  They have been released.  But one day it will be me.  To ponder over that is very hard and a little uncomfortable.  I believe life is very holy, because we have breath. I believe we are holy people and have the opportunity to have the holy spirit infuse us daily.  To understand the many languages and cultures of the world, especially with the world wide web connecting us across time and space.

So in the spirit of slow-living and being intentional I give thanks to Creator.  I give thanks that I had no idea what I was doing but Creator led me.  In fact, I had enough trust and faith to listen, to walk the path.  I allowed my Self to walk backwards across time and space and heal, so that I could move forward.  And I speak in a deeper way, a way that leads one across many realms and lives.  A Way where karma is lifted, and new intentions are born.  My ancestors, or as Eagle Boy says Grancesters led the way for me, and my family served as an anchor.

I know I am hard on myself at times and have had to learn a lot about self-love.  But I will say that despite any negative self-talk I have been good about following my intution this past decade or so.  I followed my intuition when I saw my husband Strong Heart.  I knew Creator was speaking to me above the loud noises of this realm.  He is the One for me, and I am the One for him.  And then over the years I listened and heard the Song of my first son, Eagle Boy.  He sang to me and I sang to him, and then he came to be with us. Little Fox, quiet and sweet, slipped here to this earth to a family he knew he loved.  He could see us from the spiritual realm and knew we all belonged.  Then, came several years of release and growth.  I was not ready to welcome another spirit earthside until I released and purified my spirit.  But, those days of inner work came and went, and Little Bear sang his song to my heart.

So, I know all of this is worth it, even though we suffer as well when we lose someone we love.  I just hope there are many many moons filled with as much joy as the joy we know now.  I do not want to suffer, but sorrow comes anyway, because it is part of the human journey.  Until then, I will be intentional to the best of my imperfect ability to love with a heart wide open, and to be teachable. I am learning that stories are eternal.  They connect us and are even more powerful than we understand.  Stories seek me out.  I seek out stories.  We are finding each other.

Please say a prayer of celebration for the one who I knew.  She has passed, no longer suffering, but her loved ones remain with their sorrow.  We celebrate her, and we each do that in our own way.

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This is a deeply personal story of healing.  A short story, as far as stories go.  The important parts are here.  A story of healing and humility.  A story of a heroine and a villain.  Sometimes they are one in the same.

The year of the (work) horse has been a year of challenges for my family and it has been filled with internal struggle that has neatly unfolded into chaos in our outer world.  As a spiritual person I seek the path of peace.  Comfort and heaven.  But I do not deny my shadow side.  The darkness otherwise known as the womb from whence we came. To many people I am seen as strong, too strong probably. Positive. Believing.  Perhaps people see through me.  Am I transparent?  I do Believe!  I am positive and authentic.  But internally I have had a different dialogue competing with God’s plan.

First know that I am a stay at home mother, called by Creator to home educate our children.  This path comes with a lot of inner work.  For some time now though I have been denying what Creator has been telling me all along. Creator TRUSTS me to raise our children in the way I have been Called forth.  However, with my egoic self-talk I have continually repeated over and over that I am a failure, and I have held high expectations over myself that anyone would have a hard time reaching.  I doubt.  I punish myself for every.  little.  thing.  I allow others to judge me or not understand my path and then I take that burden upon myself, when it is their perception or truth.  I sometimes have little self-worth or self-love.  Meet the villain.

Shame and guilt are old patterns of the patriarchal paradym.  I have worked really hard to purify my heart the past 10 years.  I have worked hard to find balance, happiness and self worth.  What I did not know is that this pattern runs deep.  Deeper than any well you have known.  It is the endless well of our soul, and it is Collective.  What I have realized is I do not need to be such a warrior, not when loving is more in line with what God wants for me.  And I do really need to start putting myself first more, no, not first, but definitely not last.

To share my struggle deeper you must know our family has started a business.  We began a little over a year ago when my husbands former employer closed its doors.  We had been headed towards this goal in our dreams and hearts for a decade and it was finally manifesting with right-timing.  In October, we moved from our original location to a new location much better suited for artists. Many positive small victories have happened.  In this time, and in the whole past year my husband has worked day and night to push, push, push our business to the next level.  In that time, we had another baby.  Our baby has brought so many smiles, healing and love to our home.  A peace admist everything else.  Meanwhile, I continued to home educate third and first grade and nurse our wee one.  I do not get a lot of help when it comes to babysitters, due to an attachment-like parenting lifestyle.  I do not go out with friends to have a girls night out or date night with hubby.  I do not have money at this time to buy a lot of things, but we always have a roof over our heads and food on the table, and we are building our dreams one day at a time.  And when time allows we do activities as a family, but we do know we could play more.  Creator has made sure to anchor me to our home, so I may learn what it truly means to hold space.  Our home is a place I can learn reciprocity and self-worth.  Value.  I knew something was going on internally and that I was headed on a special journey “home.”  I just couldn’t name it all.  So writing helps me to bring that which needs to be named out of my alchemial heart.

Not everything happens easily, and hard work is important.  We cannot run from our choices and responsibilities.  There is so much here, so many layers to this story.  One thing always gets me on my knees though.  Illness, dis-ease.  In the past month we have struggled with two types of flu strains, the rhino virus, ear infections, sinus infections, bronchitis and conjunctivitis.  We are a family that has not been to the doctor, except maybe once since 2010.  I pride myself on being healthy, eating well, drinking green and being generally happy.  In my darkest place during these times of imbalance Creator is trying to speak to me.  Creator wants my attention.  Instead of guilting myself because I “let” us get sick, I need to love myself more.  Love is the message.  It is a message to the Collective Conscious.  To me, to us all.  I am a good mother.  We are all doing the best we can given our circumstances, and it is time to let go of the past. It is time to let go of the guilt and the shame. The time is for forgiveness.  Self-love. I forgive myself. I forgive family, friends and mentors who were a part of learning experiences that hurt my heart.  I forgive.  I trust.  I trust Creator knows what is best for me.  I trust all experiences for me will not be comfortable.  I have learned that I depend on security.  I depend on my husband to take care of us.  I have come to depend on Creator to take care of me, but sometimes that actually looks like chaos.  It looks like chaos because that is what is needed to come undone.  Coming undone is what is needed sometimes to move things out of our way or to rearrange our lives for better things to come.  I have learned I don’t have to be as strong as people might believe I am.  I have learned that it is okay to let go and be in the middle of the river of God’s creation.  I don’t have to hold on so tight, or fight.

Transitioning into owning our own business has been uncomfortable.  I have been shaken to my core, so I can be better.  I have been shaken, so I can recognize my human-ness.  I have been shaken, so my heart can open a little more and so that I can stop the guilt and the shame of my inner voice that I am never enough.  I make mistakes. But that’s okay.  My kids still love me.  As a matter of fact, my oldest son repeatedly tells me over and over and forgives me over and over for making mistakes as a mother.  He is Creator’s proof!  Unconditional love is the teaching. Gentleness with self, kindness and patience are the teachings.

Creator is speaking to me about motherhood.  About human-ness. My job is important.  I do take it seriously in my heart, but in my head I fight the battle that can never be won, because it is not in alignment with Source, with Love.

No matter your path, whether it is home educating, public school, private school, a career, single or married, or parent to fur babies…you are a masterpiece.  You are Right Where You Need To Be, so just love.  Love yourself.  Love those around you.  Be thankful.  I am truly a grateful woman, but I lost myself a little bit these past two months, in order to find my core. What a journey it has been.  I do not ever want to deny my struggle. I do not ever want to deny my darkness.  I do not ever want to deny being vulnerable and allowing others to help me.  The time is done to overly protect myself from reciprocity.  The time is done to overly protect myself from receiving love, especially self love!

My job is important.  We each have a Mission.  A Calling.  When our energy is alignment with our Sacred Contract, we are working well with our personal power.  In the midst of my struggle this past month I read a quote about personal power, but I was having a hard time Knowing what it Really was I was suppose to Be doing.  I have been walking my path all along, except it was loaded with self-talk, fear and a warrior attitude that was not allowing me to stand in my full power.  I had energy leaks, and distractions coming in left and right to take me away from my true journey.  I have not been able to use my energy wisely in accordance with my Sacred Contract with Creator.  I felt dizzy. But I can See now, except I have conjunctivitis…ha ha Lord!  See, Creator is funny. Creator is a comedian and Very Contrary.  Creator wanted me to See.  Creator wanted my attention, so from the Spirit World came the teaching over into the Physical World.  Open your eyes beautiful Nichole.  You are Love. And when you are down, you need more love Nichole.  Not shame or guilt. Not fear mongering.  I am finally smiling for the first time in two months and that tiny bit, that tiny spark is healing to me as I walk the Advent walk to Christmas.  My personal rebirth.  I read somewhere to allow my heart to be the crib for the coming of Christ.  That is so comforting to me during this time.  To be able to receive Unity and Love.

I am a new person.  I am definitely not the same person as I was last month, or even yesterday.  I am imperfectly unique.  I am a good mother.  I am a good wife.  I am a good sister and daughter. But, I am also really good at making mistakes and listening too much to my ego at times, but that’s okay.  I am still good.  I am Love.  I have a lot of hard days that do not end up on social media.  But, the better days win out.  The days where I listen to my heart beat out the worst days.  I love what I do.  I love my path.  I love that Creator loves me enough to shake me up from head to toe to get my attention.  I am grateful.  I feel Still and not restless.  I don’t mind doing this work.  It is a hero(ine)’s work.  It’s what I came here to do during this time on earth  Our Ancestors foretold the healing women would do.  “The Hand That Rocks The Cradle Is The Hand That Rules The World.”  I am a healer, to myself and to the Collective.  I am a teacher.  I love teaching, and anybody who doesn’t understand what I do and that Creator Called me to it isn’t suppose to understand.  Because it is my journey.  Finally, I can say I am grateful after waking up each day in November and these few days in December feeling miserable about life.  Every mistake I had ever made, every.  little.  thing.  including making a wrong turn driving, not having a perfect house, not having a “career” others could define me by that made money had been under personal scrutiny by myself.  Which is really silly.  It is impossible to continually live like that even though I was mostly a happy, believing, loving person.  I found also that I tended to believe and love others more than I could love myself.  I tended to forgive others before I could forgive myself.  It’s time to break through that wall.  The fighting is done and Love is here.  We are hero(ine)’s, the mother’s, the healer’s, the lover’s.

I know I am important.  I am love and I love others despite the journey, the circumstance or the teaching. If you are are guilting and shaming yourself for one reason or another, especially under a mask too afraid to be vulnerable, I…well I am not sure what to say other than perhaps my story can spark some healing in your life. You don’t have to be strong all the time.  Take off the mask and lay it down my dear. There is only love.  Open your hearts and find your sacred song.

 

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I want to take a moment to dedicate this post to all people who suffer namelessly.  I am not a doctor, but I have my own story and personal spiritual practice.  And part of my Call is to help those who suffer to Remember.

What are we suppose to Remember?

Creator loves us.

Everything is a cycle.

When we are feeling the highs of Joy and Creativity, our cup is full and we are pouring that out, manifesting it into the universe.

When we are feeling low and sometimes empty, there has come a time for us to practice deep rest, nurturing our spirit, reflection and observance upon what our body, mind, emotions and spirit are calling for.

Many of us are lost at times, confused.  In doubt.

Searching.

I urge you to pray.  To speak to someone.  To listen.

I urge your tears to wash away the old creative processes and make room for new adventures.  New paradyms.  New behaviours.

I have this beautiful image of a woman with a basket dipping into the waters of life, lifting and pouring over and over.  There are times when life is Still and I can see clearly into the water of healing.  I let it hold me.  Sometimes I flow through it like a lazy river but ever moving.

The hardest thing in the world is accepting oneself in this crazy existence. Things are so bizarre at times.  I cannot let go of how humbled I am when grace finds me.  When I finally have had enough temperance and struggle. When I finally have spent enough time on inner work and purifying, did I realize the cycle of myself as a vessel for Spirit.  Emptying, filling

You are a vessel.

Love can fill you.

Spirit can fill you.

Creativity can fill you.

And then you empty out, washing away all that was and returning humbled from the cycle to fill oneself again.

This is a reminder to nurture your spirit right now.

This week.

Today.

Practicing loving yourself and loving others, no matter what their hearts or minds appear like to you.  Simply observe, and allow things to release.

 

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Let’s play a game like the Ancestors.  Obwisana is a children’s game out of Ghana, which encourages cooperation, movement, oral dexterity and even accuracy.  Cooperators use stones and move them from hand to hand, getting faster and faster.

Let’s take [it] a little farther.  We can be farmer’s of the heart as Rumi says, and remove the stones from our hearts field.  I will help you.  Go with me to the field, it’s a short walk.  I have water.  Close your eyes, and  sing with me.  See your heart.  See the field.  Walk the rows you have tilled over time.  Feel the dirt on your feet.  Sense it.  Look for the stones.  Pick up the stone and speak to it,

“I am going to move you, like the wind moves me.”

“I am going to mine you from my heart, and I will make an altar of you.”

Let’s transform this field into a lush garden, and it will bear seeds for a new generation.

 

altar of your heart

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Good morning folks.  My post today is about big love, not about the holiday and consuming.  I am also not trying to change anyone’s mind here.  I just want to tell a story.

From my understanding Saint Valentine, the man, became a Saint because he had big love for his Creator.  In those days, the King told all his Knights they could not marry.  Marriage is a holy sacrament to Christians.  Marriage is considered an outer act of an inner decision to merge with your partner.  To unionize two energies.  Many people in these times also practice the marriage of their own energies, thus the inner spiritual act of marriage with oneself.

The King did not want the Knights to marry, so they would be dedicated and serve him.  Valentine, a priest, felt the King’s authority overshadowed God’s sacrament of marriage for all.  So Valentine spent much of his time marrying these Knight’s to their loved ones in secret, till the day came where he was arrested and brought to the Tower.  During Valentine’s stay until his death, he wrote many letters to loved ones signing “Your Valentine.”  The period in which Valentine lived was considered dark days in humanity for good reasons.  The veil of consciousness was begining to recede and draw us closer to Creator out of the watery infancy of the human race.  Today things are much better energetically, but we still have a ways to go concerning Unity consciousness and equality for not just humans, but all who reside on Mother Earth.

For me and my translation of this day I see a chance to raise my vibration.  And also an opportunity to think about how I show love for my Creator.  How do I show Big Love?  How do I Love in the face of authority?  There are many thoughts, but few true answers.  Compassion is one and patience is another.  Valentine chose to be true to his beliefs and serve.  So I will serve as well by raising my vibration and Being for my children, in my own backyard.  Let me not leave out that we study the ascended masters, the saints and all the religions.  All with intention to evolve and learn from the past, so that my Now will be more like Heaven.

Today will culminate a week spent making and giving home made items to those we love and passing along the good vibration with a hug and a smile.  Nothing mass consumed.  Everything with intention.  And one extra symbol of love in this home to remind us of our love and union.  Our Big Love.  Spirit Manifest.  The children.

Love to you.

xoxo

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