Maybe it is the moon outside of my bedroom window that’s keeping me awake. Maybe I had too much coffee earlier. Maybe God had a message for me and needed me half asleep, half awake. Maybe I was inspired by reading links and posts scrolling endlessly on Facebook (it happens!) But as I laid in bed tonight I felt a change come over me.
I could See myself Broken. Darkness. Wounded. In many ways, over time I have received wounds from various experiences that left me sore, hurt, angry, resentful, sad, stronger, frightened, cynical, doubtful…God was working on me in these times.
I recently took a Facebook break, from May till now. I felt Creator talking to me. Oneness was asking me to Listen. Deep listen. Part of that listening was Shifting. Purification. Disconnecting – Reconnecting. Emptying. Emptying so much to the point of confusion. Recently when I came out of my deep listening period I couldn’t figure out what I had gone through, or what I had learned. What had I been doing? What was I listening for? I mean surely after months of listening I had to have something profound to say or feel! Nothing. I couldn’t say. I wasn’t sure, at all, because I am not really in control. I am to a degree in control of my choices, but if I am open enough and vulnerable enough I knew that Creator was really in charge.
Then it happened. I could See. The light of this very moon illuminated all of me. I was broken. An empty vessel. I laid there breathing deeply. In the vision my body turned over and my arms were stretched wide, and my chest was So Open. My heart was So visible. All the holes and cracks in my brokeness were there to be seen. I have prayed to God in the past week or two more in Awareness than I ever have over the entire summer. I begged God for help. God was working on me in the deepest of ways. Slowly Oneness opened itself up to me. A beautiful gold liquid poured forth from above and began to fill me up. All the cracks were filled with an essence so rich, so pure. All the dark places in my life were illuminated so brightly that I could See my Wholeness! God lives in me. And God fills me up when I am empty, but then if I am vulnerable enough that essence pours out of me into the lives of those around me. It is part of my Gifts. My brokeness and the parts of me that are tender and gold. I am repaired. I am forgiven, and I forgive and that is my greatest gift to myself and others.
Can I honor myself. Can I be vulnerable. Can I be broken and whole at the same time. Can I live this life with my chest wide open knowing that life breaks me, that love breaks me and fills me up. The Oneness knows my strength better than me. As I fell in love with my husband and as we added each child to our nest God knew. God knew that love would tear me open and fill me up even more.
I have memories of my childhood. I have children now. So much time has passed and so much more will pass before I leave this earth. I was given the Vision by a healer once that I lived to old age and I was surrounded and loved by many. My children and grandchildren. My husband. Love had torn me open. Brokeness had torn me open. But I was always filled back up by that pure liquid gold. That essence that I cannot truly name. The nameless.
This life is good. It has been hard and riddled with confusion and doubts, lonliness…heartache so huge. Loss. I have had great teachers come my way in many forms. Nature. Elders. Friends. My husband. Our children. Oh, so so so much our children. I am surrounded by teachers. If I take deep breaths I am teachable most days.
You can take my word for it that right now our Maker, whatever form, has something to teach us. I feel that in the next few days as the Super Moon approaches, it will light up parts of us that have been so dark for so long. We can choose to look and embrace. We can choose to see what diamonds have been made by that tightly held fist in the darkness. The brightness is sometimes so painful that we turn our heads away, but I beg you to look and hold your gaze.
Be open, despite the brokeness, because we may just get filled up and See the Wholeness. The Integration. I feel so whole right now in this moment, more so than anytime since I was born, a wee babe. All along I was Whole though, I just couldn’t see it. I looked for my wholeness in the reflection of other people’s faces and glances. Mirrors. My husband has known his Wholeness all along, despite his struggles throughout life. I know it is why I love him So much. I have always wished to balance myself and to be as humble as him. But my game with myself and the world was protection. Walls. I went from a little girl to a straight Warrior. One Who Stands In Her Power, but with walls. So my life hasn’t always been open, full circle, reciprocal. Maybe in some cases speaking my truth has been warranted. Well, I am sure it has. But it is okay to just Be too, because I am already Whole. I am already and always filled with gold, in all the cracks and brokeness.
No matter what Vision I have for myself, Oneness knows what I most need. My Ego is actually my ally. It guides me, as a Contrary. As a human on this dense plane, earth, we actually need our Egos. Not the Ego of Ego=tistical-ness. But the I. I Am. Being-ness. Broken down I am nothing and everything. I am alive and I am dying. Cyclically.
Right now we are approaching Harvest. Spiritually it is just as significant as the harvest of my garden. I planned and dreamed last winter like any farmer would, farmer of the heart, like Rumi says. In Spring I was planting seeds. This summer I tended and deep listened. August has been such a time of preparation too. Preparing for harvest. It is near. And some of us are already seeing the harvest come in. I see pictures on Facebook of baskets filled up. I am not even fully sure what all this means, my harvest. I haven’t held the bounty in my hands long enough. I haven’t had time to wash things off and taste it. I’ll try to keep my door open to share with you though. I’ll try. It’s part of my promise to Trust, in my brokeness and in my healing and in my Wholeness.
Aho.
Nurturing Spirit 