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Posts Tagged ‘creator’

Maybe it is the moon outside of my bedroom window that’s keeping me awake. Maybe I had too much coffee earlier.  Maybe God had a message for me and needed me half asleep, half awake. Maybe I was inspired by reading links and posts scrolling endlessly on Facebook (it happens!)  But as I laid in bed tonight I felt a change come over me.

I could See myself Broken.  Darkness.  Wounded.  In many ways, over time I have received wounds from various experiences that left me sore, hurt, angry, resentful, sad, stronger, frightened, cynical, doubtful…God was working on me in these times.

I recently took a Facebook break, from May till now.  I felt Creator talking to me. Oneness was asking me to Listen.  Deep listen.  Part of that listening was Shifting. Purification.  Disconnecting – Reconnecting. Emptying. Emptying so much to the point of confusion.  Recently when I came out of my deep listening period I couldn’t figure out what I had gone through, or what I had learned. What had I been doing?  What was I listening for?  I mean surely after months of listening I had to have something profound to say or feel!  Nothing.  I couldn’t say.  I wasn’t sure, at all, because I am not really in control.  I am to a degree in control of my choices, but if I am open enough and vulnerable enough I knew that Creator was really in charge.

Then it happened.  I could See. The light of this very moon illuminated all of me. I was broken.  An empty vessel.  I laid there breathing deeply.  In the vision my body turned over and my arms were stretched wide, and my chest was So Open. My heart was So visible.  All the holes and cracks in my brokeness were there to be seen.  I have prayed to God in the past week or two more in Awareness than I ever have over the entire summer.  I begged God for help.  God was working on me in the deepest of ways.  Slowly Oneness opened itself up to me.  A beautiful gold liquid poured forth from above and began to fill me up.  All the cracks were filled with an essence so rich, so pure.  All the dark places in my life were illuminated so brightly that I could See my Wholeness!  God lives in me.  And God fills me up when I am empty, but then if I am vulnerable enough that essence pours out of me into the lives of those around me.  It is part of my Gifts.  My brokeness and the parts of me that are tender and gold.  I am repaired.  I am forgiven, and I forgive and that is my greatest gift to myself and others.

Can I honor myself.  Can I be vulnerable.  Can I be broken and whole at the same time.  Can I live this life with my chest wide open knowing that life breaks me, that love breaks me and fills me up.  The Oneness knows my strength better than me.  As I fell in love with my husband and as we added each child to our nest God knew.  God knew that love would tear me open and fill me up even more.

I have memories of my childhood.  I have children now.  So much time has passed and so much more will pass before I leave this earth.  I was given the Vision by a healer once that I lived to old age and I was surrounded and loved by many.  My children and grandchildren.  My husband.  Love had torn me open. Brokeness had torn me open.  But I was always filled back up by that pure liquid gold.  That essence that I cannot truly name.  The nameless.

This life is good.  It has been hard and riddled with confusion and doubts, lonliness…heartache so huge.  Loss.  I have had great teachers come my way in many forms.  Nature.  Elders.  Friends. My husband. Our children.  Oh, so so so much our children.  I am surrounded by teachers.  If I take deep breaths I am teachable most days.

You can take my word for it that right now our Maker, whatever form, has something to teach us.  I feel that in the next few days as the Super Moon approaches, it will light up parts of us that have been so dark for so long.  We can choose to look and embrace.  We can choose to see what diamonds have been made by that tightly held fist in the darkness.  The brightness is sometimes so painful that we turn our heads away, but I beg you to look and hold your gaze.

Be open, despite the brokeness, because we may just get filled up and See the Wholeness. The Integration.  I feel so whole right now in this moment, more so than anytime since I was born, a wee babe.  All along I was Whole though, I just couldn’t see it.  I looked for my wholeness in the reflection of other people’s faces and glances.  Mirrors.  My husband has known his Wholeness all along, despite his struggles throughout life.  I know it is why I love him So much.  I have always wished to balance myself and to be as humble as him.  But my game with myself and the world was protection.  Walls.  I went from a little girl to a straight Warrior.  One Who Stands In Her Power, but with walls.  So my life hasn’t always been open, full circle, reciprocal.  Maybe in some cases speaking my truth has been warranted.  Well, I am sure it has.  But it is okay to just Be too, because I am already Whole. I am already and always filled with gold, in all the cracks and brokeness.

No matter what Vision I have for myself, Oneness knows what I most need.  My Ego is actually my ally.  It guides me, as a Contrary.  As a human on this dense plane, earth, we actually need our Egos. Not the Ego of Ego=tistical-ness.  But the I.  I Am.  Being-ness.  Broken down I am nothing and everything.  I am alive and I am dying.  Cyclically.

Right now we are approaching Harvest.  Spiritually it is just as significant as the harvest of my garden.  I planned and dreamed last winter like any farmer would, farmer of the heart, like Rumi says.  In Spring I was planting seeds.  This summer I tended and deep listened. August has been such a time of preparation too. Preparing for harvest.  It is near. And some of us are already seeing the harvest come in.  I see pictures on Facebook of baskets filled up.  I am not even fully sure what all this means, my harvest.  I haven’t held the bounty in my hands long enough.  I haven’t had time to wash things off and taste it.  I’ll try to keep my door open to share with you though.  I’ll try.  It’s part of my promise to Trust, in my brokeness and in my healing and in my Wholeness.

Aho.

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I am a fan of preparation.  There is ritual in preparation and that is ceremonial to me.  Life is Ceremony.  Many people speak about praying and I believe in Walking in Prayer.  To do this one must not believe that the Spirit world is separate from the Physical world.  This is much like saying The Kingdom of Heaven is Near.  It is. Jesus was right.  And from what I have learned across cultures, time and space, many people are saying the same things.  When the Holy Spirit descends upon a person they take into them the ability to understand the many languages of the world.  At one point in time that was taken away, because of the actions of mankind.  We have to come full circle.  To come full circle means to descend from G-d and to return to G-d.  Are you home?

We are born, and descend, just like we come out usually head first from our mother’s wombs and return as Elder’s again leaving from our toes to our head back to Creator, dropping our robe.  I have spent time working as a volunteer with Hospice, 11th Hour patients.  One day I was called to a nursing home in a nearby town. When I arrived family was there with the Elder woman.  I could tell she was ready to leave this world, but her family loved her so much they anchored her down earthside.  As it became dinner time, the family decided to leave and eat.  I began my work as Creator has guided me in helping the woman to relax.  She was unconscious, but very much aware.  I felt her leave from her toes to her head.  Her Spirit drew up out of her body and left.  It was one of the most peaceful deaths I have Witnessed.  I am not particularly good at letting people go.  Actually I am quite selfish in these regards.  But, I have a gift, and Creator needed me.  It’s not always easy.  Professionally I can do this, personally I have much to learn.  It really has to do with my higher and lower selves.

Preparation.  It is almost that time.  I feel myself drawing inward.  I feel Creator asking me to quiet myself.  This is hard because a majority of my homeschool community (read: support) is online, but I feel the need to quiet there too.  I am beginning preparation now for many things.  I am preparing to teach two grades again.  I am preparing to evolve my writing and blog.

Today begins Baptism class for my oldest son.  The church makes a good point that these children and people are preparing themselves to be cleansed with Holy Water.  Washed new.  We as the congregation must prepare alongside.  I am exicted and curious at the Mysteries G-d has for us this season.

Ash Wednesday is in a few days.  I envision the palm leaves burnt and marking my forehead.  I am already marked.  I envision myself walking in my human robe quietly awaiting.  I await G-d.  Listening.  G-d is here.

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A post has been building in me for some time.  I awoke in the middle of the night as I do sometimes inspired.  For most of my life I have lived very slowly. Growing up we had 100 blessed acres, and three families working together to nurture each other, grow food and live slower.  As I grew folks passed on and families moved away from each other, making it harder to rely and lean on each other for assistance.  Since leaving home after high school I have grown.  I have traveled.  I have opened my heart to healing and staying teachable.  For me I am not fixed in time and space.  I am changeable.  I leave myself room to change my mind as I learn new things.  But something that has not changed much is my desire to live slowly. Intentionally.  Honestly.  And I desire this for my family. Nature shows me this teaching in her seasons.  We do live in a part of the country where there are four seasons, although this winter seems mild so far.  I believe Creator placed us side by side with nature to learn cycles and the process and journey of living.  To everything there is a season the bible says.  And many other cultures feel the same way.  We have had the fortunate blessings to learn from Elders who have also told us stories to help us to understand these ways as well.  It is my intention to give you a glimpse of our family culture that works for us, but that has a lasting impact on posterity.  We care about our children’s future.  We care about our grandchildren. When my stories are told and I have passed into the earth I would like my legacy to be a lasting one.

Slow educating.

We homeschool and are known to ourselves as Eagle Tree Homeschool.  I am a firm, loving, boundary keeping, sensory protecting mother of three boys.  In my heart, the eagle holds the vision, and the eagle is also a symbol of the heroes journey, a symbol of youth.  The eagle also flies close to the heavens to bring prayers and messages from The People to Creator, and back again.  We also hold the name Eagle Tree Scouts for all of our Scouting adventures, although my middle son recently joined Cub Scouts to be a part of a group with some of his friends at church. Homeschooling is not easy, I never thought it would be, but Creator led me to it.

We are Waldorf-inspired, where academics do not fully begin until around 7 years of age, when the milk teeth fall out.  During the first seven years of the child’s life we spend working with them in balancing the brain and the body.  Gross and fine motor.  Sensory issues.  And in general play-based learning.  From a neurological standpoint this works for us. Here’s a list of articles supporting our view.

http://www.whywaldorfworks.org/07_community/articles.asp

To me homeschooling is a great privelege and honor our country and state allows, and I have great counsel with Melisa Neilsen of Waldorf Essentials and many other women. Our inner work is the vital Center of success with the children.  Please go to this website to learn about how you can find more help in that way, with parenting, inner work, marriage and home educating.

I am not here to convince you of anything, but if you want more information on Waldorf, then please watch this video to help you understand further.  Home educating and Waldorf is not for everyone.

In early childhood we as parents work with the children in observing the seasons, seasonal festivals, spirituality, as well as normal daily life and skills. Slow living. Rhythm.  To us it is about the whole child.  The whole family.  The whole woman. The whole man.  The whole marriage.  All of this takes work, compromise, and we make plenty of mistakes or “learnings” as indigenous folks call it.  Not to be forgiven, but understood that this is a Part of the life process. Our children ((appear)) behind other mainstream children at first in things like reading, but quickly these practices take root and they are growing into strong sturdy trees reaching towards the sun.  It is difficult to explain and I don’t care to unless someone is genuine about listening to our chosen path.  Here is another article supporting the views of lifelong relevance.

http://www.waldorftoday.com/2011/11/daily-rhythm-at-home-and-its-lifelong-relevance-by-helle-heckmann/

To speak to our way of educating is to relate why we also eat slowly, or slowly dine.  While teaching Third Grade this year we have spent time learning the Old Testament and Jewish Festivals.  In this time I have learned about Shabbat.  A time to rest.  We do have Sabbath in Christian tradition as well, but this article really hit home and I have posted it on my Facebook page several times.

https://groundedmag.com/article/finding-rest/

Life is not easy, and we don’t always have what we think we need.  Life is uncomfortable at times, but suffering has made me stronger and I have also learned the things I think I wanted, were not even necessary for healthy, whole living.  There is so much luxury today for all of us, even compared to my childhood and my parents and grand-parents childhood.  So much has changed since the turn of the last century, 115 years before.  Cars, grocery stores, the internet, public schooling.  The opportunities are vast.  The economy relies on folks to work and stimulate consuming.  I however prefer to live simply and honestly, even if I must suffer at times.  I do not need an overly large house.  I do not need all that is trendy.  I am not entitled to have these things.  Only if I work for them and desire them should I have them.  And I hope to teach our children this as well.  We have suffered recently at the end of 2014 to make a change to our family for the greater good of us as a whole.  My husband is a man who works with his hands, who loves to build and create things and we support him.  Not only do we support him so he can support us, but it is vital for him to create as soul expression, even if it is a commission for someone else.  In the end, it is vital I stay home, as we have decided to provide slow living for our family.  It has made me stronger and more humble in the ways of the world.  I am a teacher and healer, true at heart and I enjoy what I do day to day, the spiritual mundane.  I walk in prayer and lean on Creator to help me.  I am not alone, and never have been even through my suffering days.  Our family has been a great support as well in trying times.  As hard as it was to accept help from them, I know their parents helped them tremendously and I intend on doing the same for our children.  I do help them and I will help them.  And so in the meantime it is important for us to keep or hold Space.  I hold the Center energy for the family or space.  In doing so I have to meditate on the foods we provide, among other essential for healthy intentional living.  Long term it is important to win out over obesity, disease and destruction of the environment.

Slow eating.

For some time we have shopped locally, whether at Farmer’s Market or our local grocery.  Even though I have shopped at Whole Foods before I never took the amount of time to really delve deep enough to see if I could shop there on a budget the same as our local store.  However two friends of mine swore to me it could be done.  The point was to avoid Genetically Modified Foods or GMO’s, which tear up the gut, as well as foods sprayed with Round Up.  You have other choices as well like Trader Joe’s, Earth Fare and locally there are cooperatives.  So, I set off to do my research on Pinterest (not a total time suck when you engage your will power).  I have pinned several blogs and articles on how to shop Whole Foods, grocery lists, receipes and coupons, which can be found on Whole Foods website. Here is a link to my Pinterest board where I have almost 20,000 pins and almost 2,000 followers, not that I tried.  Go ahead and take a keek, it’s up to you to do the work for your own family, tailoring style, taste, and menus.

Slowing down is not new.  Slowing down is old and our ancestors understood this concept.  Over time however we as a society have somehow found value in being busy.  Being busy means production is taking place, and that is necessary to some degree, I won’t argue that.  But, I will argue for balance.  Long term and with the long vision that I hold for our family Slowing Down is important, because babies do not keep, and neither will Mother Earth if we do not do our part. Here is an article supporting dinner time as a family.  We are not perfect and our house is quite loud at times.  Our boys do burp and fart in front of us and their immediate grandparents at times, but it is because they feel loved and comfortable and well they are boys/kids.  It’s funny and contrary and they show us that life is really not all that serious as we adults intend to make it 24/7.  Now, in front of their peers and others they tend to curb themselves and have better manners.  In fact, quite often I get compliments at the grocery, at church and elsewhere.  Still, we are not perfect and do not claim to be.  But I do claim to love them and I do claim to love Mother Earth and Creator.

http://parentandthepro.com/slowing-dinner/

Let’s reconnect here again.  Feel free to subscribe to my blog if you wish, or just check back upon occasion.  I don’t promise to write regularly, but I do promise to be honest, truthful and transparent.

Have a blessed day, the sun is shining outside and in our hearts.

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This is a deeply personal story of healing.  A short story, as far as stories go.  The important parts are here.  A story of healing and humility.  A story of a heroine and a villain.  Sometimes they are one in the same.

The year of the (work) horse has been a year of challenges for my family and it has been filled with internal struggle that has neatly unfolded into chaos in our outer world.  As a spiritual person I seek the path of peace.  Comfort and heaven.  But I do not deny my shadow side.  The darkness otherwise known as the womb from whence we came. To many people I am seen as strong, too strong probably. Positive. Believing.  Perhaps people see through me.  Am I transparent?  I do Believe!  I am positive and authentic.  But internally I have had a different dialogue competing with God’s plan.

First know that I am a stay at home mother, called by Creator to home educate our children.  This path comes with a lot of inner work.  For some time now though I have been denying what Creator has been telling me all along. Creator TRUSTS me to raise our children in the way I have been Called forth.  However, with my egoic self-talk I have continually repeated over and over that I am a failure, and I have held high expectations over myself that anyone would have a hard time reaching.  I doubt.  I punish myself for every.  little.  thing.  I allow others to judge me or not understand my path and then I take that burden upon myself, when it is their perception or truth.  I sometimes have little self-worth or self-love.  Meet the villain.

Shame and guilt are old patterns of the patriarchal paradym.  I have worked really hard to purify my heart the past 10 years.  I have worked hard to find balance, happiness and self worth.  What I did not know is that this pattern runs deep.  Deeper than any well you have known.  It is the endless well of our soul, and it is Collective.  What I have realized is I do not need to be such a warrior, not when loving is more in line with what God wants for me.  And I do really need to start putting myself first more, no, not first, but definitely not last.

To share my struggle deeper you must know our family has started a business.  We began a little over a year ago when my husbands former employer closed its doors.  We had been headed towards this goal in our dreams and hearts for a decade and it was finally manifesting with right-timing.  In October, we moved from our original location to a new location much better suited for artists. Many positive small victories have happened.  In this time, and in the whole past year my husband has worked day and night to push, push, push our business to the next level.  In that time, we had another baby.  Our baby has brought so many smiles, healing and love to our home.  A peace admist everything else.  Meanwhile, I continued to home educate third and first grade and nurse our wee one.  I do not get a lot of help when it comes to babysitters, due to an attachment-like parenting lifestyle.  I do not go out with friends to have a girls night out or date night with hubby.  I do not have money at this time to buy a lot of things, but we always have a roof over our heads and food on the table, and we are building our dreams one day at a time.  And when time allows we do activities as a family, but we do know we could play more.  Creator has made sure to anchor me to our home, so I may learn what it truly means to hold space.  Our home is a place I can learn reciprocity and self-worth.  Value.  I knew something was going on internally and that I was headed on a special journey “home.”  I just couldn’t name it all.  So writing helps me to bring that which needs to be named out of my alchemial heart.

Not everything happens easily, and hard work is important.  We cannot run from our choices and responsibilities.  There is so much here, so many layers to this story.  One thing always gets me on my knees though.  Illness, dis-ease.  In the past month we have struggled with two types of flu strains, the rhino virus, ear infections, sinus infections, bronchitis and conjunctivitis.  We are a family that has not been to the doctor, except maybe once since 2010.  I pride myself on being healthy, eating well, drinking green and being generally happy.  In my darkest place during these times of imbalance Creator is trying to speak to me.  Creator wants my attention.  Instead of guilting myself because I “let” us get sick, I need to love myself more.  Love is the message.  It is a message to the Collective Conscious.  To me, to us all.  I am a good mother.  We are all doing the best we can given our circumstances, and it is time to let go of the past. It is time to let go of the guilt and the shame. The time is for forgiveness.  Self-love. I forgive myself. I forgive family, friends and mentors who were a part of learning experiences that hurt my heart.  I forgive.  I trust.  I trust Creator knows what is best for me.  I trust all experiences for me will not be comfortable.  I have learned that I depend on security.  I depend on my husband to take care of us.  I have come to depend on Creator to take care of me, but sometimes that actually looks like chaos.  It looks like chaos because that is what is needed to come undone.  Coming undone is what is needed sometimes to move things out of our way or to rearrange our lives for better things to come.  I have learned I don’t have to be as strong as people might believe I am.  I have learned that it is okay to let go and be in the middle of the river of God’s creation.  I don’t have to hold on so tight, or fight.

Transitioning into owning our own business has been uncomfortable.  I have been shaken to my core, so I can be better.  I have been shaken, so I can recognize my human-ness.  I have been shaken, so my heart can open a little more and so that I can stop the guilt and the shame of my inner voice that I am never enough.  I make mistakes. But that’s okay.  My kids still love me.  As a matter of fact, my oldest son repeatedly tells me over and over and forgives me over and over for making mistakes as a mother.  He is Creator’s proof!  Unconditional love is the teaching. Gentleness with self, kindness and patience are the teachings.

Creator is speaking to me about motherhood.  About human-ness. My job is important.  I do take it seriously in my heart, but in my head I fight the battle that can never be won, because it is not in alignment with Source, with Love.

No matter your path, whether it is home educating, public school, private school, a career, single or married, or parent to fur babies…you are a masterpiece.  You are Right Where You Need To Be, so just love.  Love yourself.  Love those around you.  Be thankful.  I am truly a grateful woman, but I lost myself a little bit these past two months, in order to find my core. What a journey it has been.  I do not ever want to deny my struggle. I do not ever want to deny my darkness.  I do not ever want to deny being vulnerable and allowing others to help me.  The time is done to overly protect myself from reciprocity.  The time is done to overly protect myself from receiving love, especially self love!

My job is important.  We each have a Mission.  A Calling.  When our energy is alignment with our Sacred Contract, we are working well with our personal power.  In the midst of my struggle this past month I read a quote about personal power, but I was having a hard time Knowing what it Really was I was suppose to Be doing.  I have been walking my path all along, except it was loaded with self-talk, fear and a warrior attitude that was not allowing me to stand in my full power.  I had energy leaks, and distractions coming in left and right to take me away from my true journey.  I have not been able to use my energy wisely in accordance with my Sacred Contract with Creator.  I felt dizzy. But I can See now, except I have conjunctivitis…ha ha Lord!  See, Creator is funny. Creator is a comedian and Very Contrary.  Creator wanted me to See.  Creator wanted my attention, so from the Spirit World came the teaching over into the Physical World.  Open your eyes beautiful Nichole.  You are Love. And when you are down, you need more love Nichole.  Not shame or guilt. Not fear mongering.  I am finally smiling for the first time in two months and that tiny bit, that tiny spark is healing to me as I walk the Advent walk to Christmas.  My personal rebirth.  I read somewhere to allow my heart to be the crib for the coming of Christ.  That is so comforting to me during this time.  To be able to receive Unity and Love.

I am a new person.  I am definitely not the same person as I was last month, or even yesterday.  I am imperfectly unique.  I am a good mother.  I am a good wife.  I am a good sister and daughter. But, I am also really good at making mistakes and listening too much to my ego at times, but that’s okay.  I am still good.  I am Love.  I have a lot of hard days that do not end up on social media.  But, the better days win out.  The days where I listen to my heart beat out the worst days.  I love what I do.  I love my path.  I love that Creator loves me enough to shake me up from head to toe to get my attention.  I am grateful.  I feel Still and not restless.  I don’t mind doing this work.  It is a hero(ine)’s work.  It’s what I came here to do during this time on earth  Our Ancestors foretold the healing women would do.  “The Hand That Rocks The Cradle Is The Hand That Rules The World.”  I am a healer, to myself and to the Collective.  I am a teacher.  I love teaching, and anybody who doesn’t understand what I do and that Creator Called me to it isn’t suppose to understand.  Because it is my journey.  Finally, I can say I am grateful after waking up each day in November and these few days in December feeling miserable about life.  Every mistake I had ever made, every.  little.  thing.  including making a wrong turn driving, not having a perfect house, not having a “career” others could define me by that made money had been under personal scrutiny by myself.  Which is really silly.  It is impossible to continually live like that even though I was mostly a happy, believing, loving person.  I found also that I tended to believe and love others more than I could love myself.  I tended to forgive others before I could forgive myself.  It’s time to break through that wall.  The fighting is done and Love is here.  We are hero(ine)’s, the mother’s, the healer’s, the lover’s.

I know I am important.  I am love and I love others despite the journey, the circumstance or the teaching. If you are are guilting and shaming yourself for one reason or another, especially under a mask too afraid to be vulnerable, I…well I am not sure what to say other than perhaps my story can spark some healing in your life. You don’t have to be strong all the time.  Take off the mask and lay it down my dear. There is only love.  Open your hearts and find your sacred song.

 

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