This is a deeply personal story of healing. A short story, as far as stories go. The important parts are here. A story of healing and humility. A story of a heroine and a villain. Sometimes they are one in the same.
The year of the (work) horse has been a year of challenges for my family and it has been filled with internal struggle that has neatly unfolded into chaos in our outer world. As a spiritual person I seek the path of peace. Comfort and heaven. But I do not deny my shadow side. The darkness otherwise known as the womb from whence we came. To many people I am seen as strong, too strong probably. Positive. Believing. Perhaps people see through me. Am I transparent? I do Believe! I am positive and authentic. But internally I have had a different dialogue competing with God’s plan.
First know that I am a stay at home mother, called by Creator to home educate our children. This path comes with a lot of inner work. For some time now though I have been denying what Creator has been telling me all along. Creator TRUSTS me to raise our children in the way I have been Called forth. However, with my egoic self-talk I have continually repeated over and over that I am a failure, and I have held high expectations over myself that anyone would have a hard time reaching. I doubt. I punish myself for every. little. thing. I allow others to judge me or not understand my path and then I take that burden upon myself, when it is their perception or truth. I sometimes have little self-worth or self-love. Meet the villain.
Shame and guilt are old patterns of the patriarchal paradym. I have worked really hard to purify my heart the past 10 years. I have worked hard to find balance, happiness and self worth. What I did not know is that this pattern runs deep. Deeper than any well you have known. It is the endless well of our soul, and it is Collective. What I have realized is I do not need to be such a warrior, not when loving is more in line with what God wants for me. And I do really need to start putting myself first more, no, not first, but definitely not last.
To share my struggle deeper you must know our family has started a business. We began a little over a year ago when my husbands former employer closed its doors. We had been headed towards this goal in our dreams and hearts for a decade and it was finally manifesting with right-timing. In October, we moved from our original location to a new location much better suited for artists. Many positive small victories have happened. In this time, and in the whole past year my husband has worked day and night to push, push, push our business to the next level. In that time, we had another baby. Our baby has brought so many smiles, healing and love to our home. A peace admist everything else. Meanwhile, I continued to home educate third and first grade and nurse our wee one. I do not get a lot of help when it comes to babysitters, due to an attachment-like parenting lifestyle. I do not go out with friends to have a girls night out or date night with hubby. I do not have money at this time to buy a lot of things, but we always have a roof over our heads and food on the table, and we are building our dreams one day at a time. And when time allows we do activities as a family, but we do know we could play more. Creator has made sure to anchor me to our home, so I may learn what it truly means to hold space. Our home is a place I can learn reciprocity and self-worth. Value. I knew something was going on internally and that I was headed on a special journey “home.” I just couldn’t name it all. So writing helps me to bring that which needs to be named out of my alchemial heart.
Not everything happens easily, and hard work is important. We cannot run from our choices and responsibilities. There is so much here, so many layers to this story. One thing always gets me on my knees though. Illness, dis-ease. In the past month we have struggled with two types of flu strains, the rhino virus, ear infections, sinus infections, bronchitis and conjunctivitis. We are a family that has not been to the doctor, except maybe once since 2010. I pride myself on being healthy, eating well, drinking green and being generally happy. In my darkest place during these times of imbalance Creator is trying to speak to me. Creator wants my attention. Instead of guilting myself because I “let” us get sick, I need to love myself more. Love is the message. It is a message to the Collective Conscious. To me, to us all. I am a good mother. We are all doing the best we can given our circumstances, and it is time to let go of the past. It is time to let go of the guilt and the shame. The time is for forgiveness. Self-love. I forgive myself. I forgive family, friends and mentors who were a part of learning experiences that hurt my heart. I forgive. I trust. I trust Creator knows what is best for me. I trust all experiences for me will not be comfortable. I have learned that I depend on security. I depend on my husband to take care of us. I have come to depend on Creator to take care of me, but sometimes that actually looks like chaos. It looks like chaos because that is what is needed to come undone. Coming undone is what is needed sometimes to move things out of our way or to rearrange our lives for better things to come. I have learned I don’t have to be as strong as people might believe I am. I have learned that it is okay to let go and be in the middle of the river of God’s creation. I don’t have to hold on so tight, or fight.
Transitioning into owning our own business has been uncomfortable. I have been shaken to my core, so I can be better. I have been shaken, so I can recognize my human-ness. I have been shaken, so my heart can open a little more and so that I can stop the guilt and the shame of my inner voice that I am never enough. I make mistakes. But that’s okay. My kids still love me. As a matter of fact, my oldest son repeatedly tells me over and over and forgives me over and over for making mistakes as a mother. He is Creator’s proof! Unconditional love is the teaching. Gentleness with self, kindness and patience are the teachings.
Creator is speaking to me about motherhood. About human-ness. My job is important. I do take it seriously in my heart, but in my head I fight the battle that can never be won, because it is not in alignment with Source, with Love.
No matter your path, whether it is home educating, public school, private school, a career, single or married, or parent to fur babies…you are a masterpiece. You are Right Where You Need To Be, so just love. Love yourself. Love those around you. Be thankful. I am truly a grateful woman, but I lost myself a little bit these past two months, in order to find my core. What a journey it has been. I do not ever want to deny my struggle. I do not ever want to deny my darkness. I do not ever want to deny being vulnerable and allowing others to help me. The time is done to overly protect myself from reciprocity. The time is done to overly protect myself from receiving love, especially self love!
My job is important. We each have a Mission. A Calling. When our energy is alignment with our Sacred Contract, we are working well with our personal power. In the midst of my struggle this past month I read a quote about personal power, but I was having a hard time Knowing what it Really was I was suppose to Be doing. I have been walking my path all along, except it was loaded with self-talk, fear and a warrior attitude that was not allowing me to stand in my full power. I had energy leaks, and distractions coming in left and right to take me away from my true journey. I have not been able to use my energy wisely in accordance with my Sacred Contract with Creator. I felt dizzy. But I can See now, except I have conjunctivitis…ha ha Lord! See, Creator is funny. Creator is a comedian and Very Contrary. Creator wanted me to See. Creator wanted my attention, so from the Spirit World came the teaching over into the Physical World. Open your eyes beautiful Nichole. You are Love. And when you are down, you need more love Nichole. Not shame or guilt. Not fear mongering. I am finally smiling for the first time in two months and that tiny bit, that tiny spark is healing to me as I walk the Advent walk to Christmas. My personal rebirth. I read somewhere to allow my heart to be the crib for the coming of Christ. That is so comforting to me during this time. To be able to receive Unity and Love.
I am a new person. I am definitely not the same person as I was last month, or even yesterday. I am imperfectly unique. I am a good mother. I am a good wife. I am a good sister and daughter. But, I am also really good at making mistakes and listening too much to my ego at times, but that’s okay. I am still good. I am Love. I have a lot of hard days that do not end up on social media. But, the better days win out. The days where I listen to my heart beat out the worst days. I love what I do. I love my path. I love that Creator loves me enough to shake me up from head to toe to get my attention. I am grateful. I feel Still and not restless. I don’t mind doing this work. It is a hero(ine)’s work. It’s what I came here to do during this time on earth Our Ancestors foretold the healing women would do. “The Hand That Rocks The Cradle Is The Hand That Rules The World.” I am a healer, to myself and to the Collective. I am a teacher. I love teaching, and anybody who doesn’t understand what I do and that Creator Called me to it isn’t suppose to understand. Because it is my journey. Finally, I can say I am grateful after waking up each day in November and these few days in December feeling miserable about life. Every mistake I had ever made, every. little. thing. including making a wrong turn driving, not having a perfect house, not having a “career” others could define me by that made money had been under personal scrutiny by myself. Which is really silly. It is impossible to continually live like that even though I was mostly a happy, believing, loving person. I found also that I tended to believe and love others more than I could love myself. I tended to forgive others before I could forgive myself. It’s time to break through that wall. The fighting is done and Love is here. We are hero(ine)’s, the mother’s, the healer’s, the lover’s.
I know I am important. I am love and I love others despite the journey, the circumstance or the teaching. If you are are guilting and shaming yourself for one reason or another, especially under a mask too afraid to be vulnerable, I…well I am not sure what to say other than perhaps my story can spark some healing in your life. You don’t have to be strong all the time. Take off the mask and lay it down my dear. There is only love. Open your hearts and find your sacred song.
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Nurturing Spirit 